Table of Contents
- Ten Key Tips for Stepfamilies
- Stepfamily Stages: A Thumbnail Sketch
- Emotions Commonly Experienced by Stepchildren
- Tips for Stepkids
- Questions & Answers
Ten Key Tips for Stepfamilies
1. Recognize that stepfamilies are different from traditional families.A blended family functions much differently than a traditional one. It's almost as if the stepfamily is moving in reverse: First comes the marriage license and then, typically after five to seven years, the sense of unity the license represented when the vows were taken. In traditional families, parents bond with their children as each is born and raise them to reflect their values. In stepfamilies, people who once were strangers move in together. Without benefit of this natural bonding, it's much harder to tolerate the irritating behaviors and differing values we all display. Those of us in stepfamilies actually must work at spending time together to foster the sense of appreciation and commitment that grows naturally in families who have been together from the very beginning.
Children in blended families represent a tangible link to an era that predated the stepfamily. The new family has ties to people who aren't even part of the household -- ex-spouses, former in-laws, the children's half-siblings or stepsiblings in another home. These people are relatives of the children and remain important to them. Their existence, along with any continuing commitments to an earlier family, can raise stresses that traditional families never face.
On the flip side, researchers have found a traditional family's sense of well-being tends to decrease over time as children arrive, grow and bring new stresses. A blended family begins with a lower level of satisfaction - but feelings of well-being and happiness increase over the years.
2. Accept that stepfamily members don't have to love each other.
It's make-believe to think love will happen automatically. Love grows as people spend satisfying time together and develop a sense of caring and commitment toward one another.
Depending upon many factors, including the ages of the children, there may -- or may not -- come a time when a stepparent and stepchild will feel a loving closeness.
Discrepancies between expectations and realities are spawning grounds for dissatisfaction and unhappiness. So contain your expectations about life as a stepfamily. It's going to be hard work, and can feel confusing and uncomfortable until things settle out.
3. Let the biological parent handle the discipline, at least at first.
A stepparent shouldn't discipline in the beginning. Sometimes it's never right. Usually it takes about two years to begin effectively co-managing your stepchildren as the partner of their parent. The more time you put in as a member of the stepfamily, the more credibility and acceptance you'll earn from your stepchildren. Without their acceptance, your opinions, wishes or orders won't mean much. In fact, your attempts to discipline likely will be met with resentment and even hostility - both from your stepchildren and from their natural parent, your spouse.
When you'll be alone with the stepkids and in charge, the biological parent needs to explain that they must obey you in the parent's absence.
4. Permit children to come and go easily.
Research shows children adjust best after a divorce if they can have easy access to each parent. Youngsters in single-parent families typically become very close to that parent, and there's a loss of time and closeness when the parent remarries to create a stepfamily. So spend one-on-one time with your biological youngsters as well as with stepchildren, as soon as you and a stepchild feel comfortable together. Help visiting stepchildren feel like part of the family by giving them some space of their own, even if it's simply a couple of dresser drawers.
Although divorced parents may prefer to live far apart, their children probably benefit more by having both households near each other. It helps cement the concept that both parents are accessible, and may lessen kids' insecurities about having no control over the divorce and remarriage. Residences in the same area impose fewer travel burdens on adults, too, and put parents and stepparents in range of a child's school friends, teachers and other activities.
Children need some flexibility within visitation and custody arrangements between their parents' households, and teenagers need much more. There's no model that works in all blended families - not even one that works consistently in the same family as children grow.
Be prepared to revise visitation and custody schedules as your children enter adolescence. This may require one parent to let go of some time, a painful experience for most parents, but a youngster's needs are the overarching concern here. Teens want to spend a significant amount of time with peers and it's important they have it.
However, be sure to coordinate with the other household so that a teen's whereabouts and behaviors don't go unmonitored. That can happen quite easily when independent-minded adolescents share households.
5. Find a workable role as a stepparent and don't overdo it.
Sadly, often adults who adore children and seem like wonderful stepparents to the rest of us are ignored or rejected by their stepchildren. Most kids revere their biological parents, even those who are poor parents, and are deeply loyal to them. So they resent stepparents who try so hard to be great stepmoms and stepdads that they make the child's own absent parents look inferior by comparison.
A child may feel disloyal to his absent parent just by showing affection to a stepparent. He may feel -- without knowing or understanding why -- that getting close to his stepfather somehow means rejecting his dad.
So take your cues from your stepchild in forging a relationship. Try beginning as a friend, as someone who is interested in the child but gives her some space. If she wants a lot of space - meaning that she doesn't want much to do with you - accept that as long as she's not rude. Ultimately you may find that the roles of mentor or helpmate to the natural parent work best.
Withhold criticism and negative comments. You won't be sorry you did. Cutting remarks can never be retracted. Most of us received them from our parents at one time or another, and few would welcome them from a stepparent.
6. Don't take things personally.
A stepparent makes an easy target but it's the role, not the person, that is attracting all the flak. Even adult children can acknowledge they resent their stepparents because those people aren't their real parents. You can't fix that. Just remember that it's not about you.
Define your own sense of well-being from within yourself, so that the negativity of others won't make you feel anxious, defensive or devalued. Distance yourself from hurtful situations or feelings by getting involved in other activities you enjoy or find rewarding. At the same time, don't let yourself withdraw from your blended family.
7. Establish routines and traditions that bring a sense of family.
This is a deceptively simple tip that represents a key part of successful stepfamily life. It doesn't matter what the "rituals" are -- pizza on Fridays or board games on Sundays. Maybe you camp at a favorite spot each summer or go bike riding together on weekends. Perhaps your pray or worship as a family. Established patterns of stepfamily activity become comfortable traditions that give everyone, especially children, a sense of belonging. These routines can evolve with just a bit of guidance to create a sense of family.
All families thrive on common activities and shared memories. When you go on vacations and other outings together, take along your camera. Display your photos, show the home videos -- they're a great way to give your blended family a sense of its history together.
If you've got family pictures on your desk, don't forget to include photos of your stepkids.
8. Be forthcoming with your partner about finances.
For better or worse, marriage is an economic deal as well as a social contract. Its success depends on how well you communicate with each other about financial issues. Unromantic as it seems, full financial disclosure is crucial for building trust and effectively managing what often are strained monetary circumstances in a remarriage. Don't keep secrets. Surprises in this area can feel a lot like betrayals to a partner.
Finances can be complicated when there are multiple households and continuing obligations from a past family. In addition to openly sharing information about assets, debts, commitments and income, set goals as a couple for short- and long-term savings and purchases. Achieving your goals together can be enormously satisfying.
"His," "hers" and "ours" accounts can help compensate for differences in spending habits and obligations that have been established by second or third marriages. At this point in their lives, both partners often hold paying jobs, which makes it simple to set up separate accounts funded by their own paychecks. If one spouse is not working, that person still needs some money to call his or her own.
9. Remember that your marriage comes first.
The success of your stepfamily depends on the quality of the marriage between the spouses who head it. Fortunately, a blended family can help mend the hurts of a past divorce for adults and children alike by establishing a new marriage that works especially well. Researchers say blended families offer lots of opportunities for the kinds of unselfish acts upon which strong marriages are built, day by day.
Virtually all couples experience some letdown during the first year or two of marriage, when they realize a new partner is not going to conform to every expectation. Constructively dealing with the tensions and disappointments that dog every marriage requires hard work, but it's crucial for the health of your stepfamily.
Present a united front as a couple to the children, even if it means saying you'll have to talk things over between yourselves before getting back to them with a decision.
Recognize that your couple relationship will mean a loss of time between a biological child and his or her parent. If you're the biological parent, make a point of carving out time to spend with your child to help compensate for that loss, even as you begin gently easing the child out of your couple relationship.
10. Don't expect thanks from your stepchildren.
All of us are born selfish. As infants we screamed to get what we wanted, and our silence when we got it probably was thanks enough for our parents. We may expect little from our own kids, but most of us would like to be thanked for meeting the basic needs and then some - food, shelter, transportation, movie tickets - of someone else's child. We shouldn't expect that. Parenthood, whether natural, step, foster or adoptive, entails a selfless commitment that really can't be repaid. Most of us grown-up children never try.
Stepfamily Stages: A Thumbnail Sketch
Fantasy Stage-- Family members are on their best behavior. This is the "Brady Bunch" period. Everyone imagines they will love one another. Everyone envisions one big happy family living happily ever after.
Confusion Stage-- Tension grows. Happiness begins to slip away. Differences begin to emerge. The romance seems to disappear.
Conflict Stage-- Anger starts to erupt. Family members realize their needs are not being met. Arguments begin. Feelings start to come out. Hopefully, negotiations and honest communication also can begin.
Comfort Stage-- Family members start to relax. Members begin to feel hope for their future together. Communication is deeper and bonds solidify.
Emotions Commonly Experienced by Stepchildren
Grief
Remarriage only happens after a loss. The children have lost one of the parents in their household through divorce or death. It is natural for them to be grieving. Their grief may not look like the grief of an adult. It may look more like irritating or distracted behavior.Fear
Children have already suffered a major loss - the loss of a parent, of family stability - over which they've had no control. They may fear losing another parent. They may fear they will not fit into this new family.Jealousy
It is very hard for children to share a parent with a newcomer. It is hard to share their space, their house, their possessions. The remarried parent is often distracted and energized by a new spouse. The child may not generate this sort of energy and knows it.Guilt
Many children of all ages blame themselves for their parents' divorce. They do not have an adult perspective. They have to try to understand the cause of a divorce with very limited insight and information. So they turn to what they do know - that their parents used to argue, often about parenting the children. Saddled with this knowledge, children feel guilty and responsible.Also, if a child likes a new stepmother or stepfather, the child may experience guilt at feeling "disloyal" to an absent biological mother or father.
Tips for Stepkids
1. Adult Problems Are Not Your Fault.Many kids feel responsible when their parents stop loving each other and get divorced. But you are not responsible and it was not your fault. You have no control over your parents' feelings for each other or their ability to get along together.
2. If You've Been Hoping Your Parents Will Get Back Together, You're Not Alone.
Most kids do feel this way, maybe for a long time. They want their moms and dads to learn to love each other again. They want the world to be the way it was before their parents got divorced. That doesn't usually happen, though. Since your parents didn't get along before, there's probably no reason to think they would get along better now.
When your mom or dad marries someone else, things do change. It means you have a new family, with a stepparent. Of course your "real" mom and "real" dad will always be your parents, even if they aren't going to live together again. You don't have to choose sides.
3. What If You Don't Like Your Stepparent?
Many children do like their stepparents very much and eventually become quite close to them. Other children may feel a bit guilty about liking a stepparent. They may fear (incorrectly!) that getting along well with a stepdad or stepmom means they're not being loyal to a "real" dad or mom. But some children act as if they don't like their stepparents at all.
You know what? You don't have to like your stepparent. But you do have to treat the person the way you would treat any other adult, with respect. Treat your stepparent the way you'd like to be treated if you were somebody's stepparent. You'll feel better about yourself if you do.
The same thing is true of stepbrothers and stepsisters. If you don't like a stepbrother or stepsister, that's the way it is, but you still need to be courteous, polite and respectful.
4. Talk Over What's Bothering You.
If something is bothering you, say so. Not by screaming or yelling but just by talking plainly and respectfully. Begin by getting a person's attention and asking if you can talk about something that is on your mind. Try to explain it as clearly and calmly as you can. It helps to look right at the person you're talking to.
Most adults will try to help out a child if they understand what the matter is. Sometimes problems can be fixed. Sometimes they can't. But it often helps to talk things over.
5. You Have the Ability to Help or Hurt.
Believe it or not, you have a lot of power. What you say and how you act toward the adults in your family can make a big difference in how everyone feels about living together. You have the power to hurt your stepparent's feelings and to make the others in your family unhappy. But that will make you feel badly, too. We all feel badly when we're angry and upset with other people.
Your stepparent cares very much about whether you get along with him or her. It's human nature to want to be liked.
Whatever situation you're in, it doesn't hurt to give it a fair try. Most children don't like change very much, and in stepfamilies there are a lot of changes to get used to. If you do try, your parents and stepparents will appreciate it more than they can say. You're part of a stepfamily. It takes everyone to make it work well, and when it works, everyone feels better about themselves and each other.
Issues with Stepchildren
Dear Dr. Jennings:My children think their stepfather is overly critical of their behavior, and sometimes I agree with them. Any ideas?
-Wary
Dear Wary:
Discipline can be explosive in blended families. Some stepparents honestly believe their stepchildren are spoiled or running wild and need to be brought into line. However, if they act on those impulses, stepparents may find themselves targets of hostility and resentment from both their spouses and their stepkids.
There’s a Golden Rule in stepparenting: Don’t discipline in the beginning; you haven’t gained the right. Sometimes it’s never right. Usually it takes about two years for a stepparent to figure out how to effectively manage the stepchildren as a partner with their biological parent.
While you’re letting that relationship develop, you and your husband should model the behaviors you expect from your children. Treat them with courtesy and respect, and insist they treat you – and your husband – that way.
-Lani Jennings
Dear Dr. Jennings:
My husband has rules for my 13-year-old daughter that I don’t always agree with, but he says I’m too lenient. Does he have the right to make her rules?
-Betsy
Dear Betsy:
It’s very common for single parents to be “too lenient” with their children. When they marry, a new stepparent sometimes attempts to “balance” the parenting scale, so to speak, by being more strict. Ideally, the solution is for the couple to talk through their parenting styles without blame, taking an honest look at what may be “wrong” with the style that each is using.
Once you’ve completed this step, you and your husband need to work out a parenting plan that both of you support. Your daughter also can have some input into this plan. (This response would be altered if your daughter were engaging in potentially harmful activities that needed more careful monitoring.)
-Lani Jennings
Dear Dr. Jennings:
When my stepson reminds me that I’m not his real dad, I don’t know how to respond.
-Stepdad
Dear Stepdad:
Say something like: “You’re right. We both know that. But we’re going to have to learn how to get along with each other.” Depending on the quality of your relationship, you might want to add: “It may be hard for both of us, and we need to find a better way to do it.”
A new stepparent can help preempt this tactic by letting a stepchild know right away that he or she isn’t trying to replace an absent parent.
-Lani Jennings
Dear Dr. Jennings:
I am married to a man who has a 7-year-old son from a previous marriage. I am pregnant with our baby, who will be my first child. Unfortunately, I feel that my relationship with my stepson is regressing. I’m feeling increasingly insecure and even jealous of my stepson’s close relationship with my husband. Any suggestions?
Wicked Stepmother
Dear Stepmother:
Although you signed your question "wicked stepmother," you seem far from wicked. You sound very normal. We recommend you try working on dealing effectively with your feelings, rather than using your negative emotions to attack yourself.
Unfortunately, often when we are lacking in self-confidence we don't pay sufficient attention to -- or give ourselves credit for -- those things we do well. Instead, we focus on our shortcomings, set extremely high expectations for ourselves and beat ourselves up when we don't live up to them.
The best way for you to work on having a good relationship with your stepson and to be a positive mother for your own child is to take care of yourself emotionally and psychologically. You may need professional assistance with this.
-Lani Jennings
Dear Dr. Jennings:
About the time we were married, my husband raised the possibility of having his 16-year-old daughter come to live with us. I agreed to it, but it’s become a nightmare. She treats me as if I weren’t there, and doesn’t speak to me unless she has to. My husband blames me for the situation.
-CC
Dear CC::
Basic stepfamily dynamics often result in the stepparent (your husband) becoming "caught" between his/her new spouse and his/her biological children.
To work with this situation effectively, I would suggest that you acknowledge some need to change your behavior, however unfair that may sound to you. It is important for your stepdaughter to see you and her father as a united team, even if you have to fade into the background for awhile as you and he develop this team. You are going to have to work to understand his perspective and take what he says seriously, even if you don't agree with it.
The best way to deal with a difficult stepchild is to support the biological parent. As the parent experiences your backing and willingness to change, he can relax his protective guard and become more open to considering your perspective.
However, it can be extremely rewarding to drop the need to always be “right.” Winning and losing aren’t very helpful to a marriage.
This situation may require some outside evaluation and intervention. If your initial steps don't help in the next few months, I encourage you to look for a competent stepfamily therapist. Stepfamily support groups and similar activities can also be of great benefit.
-Lani Jennings
Stepfamily Dynamics
Dear Dr. Jennings:I have two sons and my husband has two daughters. The problem comes in disciplining our children. For quite some time, he has "watched" to catch my 13-year-old son doing something wrong, then scolded him. Yet if I make a minor remark to correct the behavior of one of his daughters, everything blows up. Any advice?
-GC
Dear GC:
You appear to be engaging in some common stepfamily dynamics. Each biological parent "protects" his/her own children from the (outsider) stepparent and is hyper-vigilant about what the other person's children are doing. We know from literally tons of research that people take in information from the environment in a way that confirms what they already believe. In the process, they omit important non-confirming information.
A more desirable course would be for each of you to work on creating a more accurate and balanced view of your own and each other's children. There is a book, Why Are We Still Fighting? by Maureen Lassen, that doesn’t address stepfamily issues in particular, but could help here.
It’s important for you to realize that having biased or selective perceptions is a normative process -- everybody does it. We encourage you to take the first step to initiate some corrective behaviors. You could question your own biases and ask your husband for information to help expand your views about his children. This doesn’t mean that you totally accept his perceptions as “the truth.” Instead, it means that you acknowledge to him and to yourself that some of what he thinks is valid.
-Lani Jennings
Dear Dr. Jennings:
I recently remarried and have two well-behaved young boys who live with me five days a week. My “ex” gets them on weekends. My wife also has a son, and he goes to his father’s house every other weekend. So the visitation schedule is pretty hectic.
Now for the problem: My stepson’s behavior is awful. He picks fights and gets in trouble at school. If my wife gets after him, he flops down like a 2-year-old and screams hateful things to her. Yesterday he had a neighbor girl in a headlock and was kicking her younger brother. The girl’s mother was terrified and I was extremely embarrassed. I gave him a little smack on the rear. When my wife showed up, he turned on the tears. She told me I was being unfair. She always excuses his behavior by saying he’s had to make a lot of adjustments. I am trying to be a positive influence and role model and loving to him, but it becomes increasingly difficult every time he gets in trouble. I would never let my own sons behave this way. This is creating a huge rift in our marriage.
-Bob
Dear Bob:
I applaud your efforts to try to deal with your difficult situation. Let me share with you some initial impressions followed by a couple of recommendations. Your stepfamily situation is what we call a "complex" stepfamily -- both you and your wife have children and these children visit their other biological parents. Each of the mini- or sub-family groupings (parent and child[ren]) existed prior to your current marriage. Thus, family cultures consisting of expectations, behaviors, rules and rituals were well in place prior to your marriage.
It is often the case in stepfamily situations that the partners have differing parenting styles. These result in different behavior patterns on the part of the children. Stepparents, when they enter an existing family system, are essentially outsiders. Most of the experts on stepfamily issues recommend strongly that stepparents not assume a disciplinarian role with their stepchildren until a stronger bond has been established with the stepchildren. This is often difficult to do in the face of a "problem" child, such as you describe your stepson.
If a stepparent begins to act as a disciplinarian before either the biological parent or the child is ready for that level of relationship, the coalition between the biological parent and the stepchild strengthens against the stepparent. The stepparent becomes more of an outsider, having little ability to effect any change in the situation.
In the early stages of stepfamily life, the issue cannot be who is right
and who has the best-behaved children. The issue has to be: "How can the two adults create a strong and unified bond between them in order to act effectively with all of the children?"
Therefore, I would strongly encourage you to retreat on your disciplinarian actions with your stepson. You may find this extremely difficult due to his out-of-control behavior. However, you need to recognize that your actions probably are actually having a negative effect on your relationship with both your wife and your stepson. If you find it very difficult to step out of this disciplinarian role, you probably would want to seek out a therapist who specializes in stepfamily issues who can work with you.
Your primary role as a stepparent and husband is to support your wife, assisting her in becoming a more effective parent. This would be done, not by telling her how to parent her son, but by aligning with her emotionally and helping her discover the most effective way that she can act in order to provide her son with the stability, support, and structure that he desperately needs.
Good luck to you and your wife and your children. Please seek outside help with this difficult situation.
-Lani Jennings
Difficult Ex-Spouses
Dear Dr. Jennings:My stepkids are emotionally abused by their mother. She says mean things about me to them, tells them not to care about me, and says their father is the reason they are a broken family (although I am certain her behavior was the real problem). It seems as though she is pitting them against us and telling them outrageous lies. What do we do? It seems so hopeless. She screams at us to the point that we can't even communicate at all!
-Second Wife
Dear Wife:
Developing a reasonable relationship with an ex-spouse who engages in bad behavior, especially in front of the children, is a difficult process at best. Unfortunately, it is not likely that you or your husband is going to change her behavior. The most important thing at this point is for the two of you to change your behavior and to be consistent in this behavior with her. But, to start with, you and your husband must do two things:
First, develop reasonable expectations about your husband's ex-wife. If she engaged in inappropriate behavior prior to their divorce, it is highly probable that she will continue to engage in bad behavior. You and your husband must expect that she will behave this way. This doesn't mean that you either like or approve of her behavior. It just means that you accept it, because that is the reality of the situation.
Second, you and your husband must expect that neither one of you is going to be able to protect the children completely from her behavior. Unless she behaves in such a way that she loses complete visitation rights with them, they will continue to be exposed to her bad behavior as long as she engages in it. What you can do for the children is to model appropriate behavior, both toward her and toward them and each other. You can also begin to teach them ways to cope with the situation more effectively.
Okay, now you are ready to change your behavior. The first step is to stop allowing her to treat you badly. If she yells at you or says mean things to you -- whether on the phone or in person -- you must remove yourselves from her. You can do this by leaving her presence immediately or hanging up the phone after telling her that you will talk with her when she calms down. This initially will cause an escalation in her outrage, but you must follow through. You cannot reason with her or expect that by allowing her to treat you this way that she will calm down. The side benefit of this is that you are teaching the children that no one has to accept this behavior.
Many people now use e-mail, voice messages or letters to communicate with ex-partners. Communication should be limited to just the information that needs to be shared. You must set an example for her and the children, although it will take awhile for this approach to provide you with results. Setting limits with her, along with consistent follow-through, is incredibly important.
-Lani Jennings
Money Issues
Dear Dr. Jennings:I'm in my second marriage, and don't know how to handle his debts from his previous marriage. Should I help him pay? I'm feeling deprived; his ex-wife and kids seem like his “real” family.
-Katherine
Dear Katherine:
Financial issues are a problem in many marriages. In remarriages they can pose even more difficulties. However, underlying these financial questions may be some other issues that need to be addressed.
Your feelings may be based on a situation that needs correcting, such as your husband's possible emotional connection to his ex-wife. Or your feelings may stem from some emotional or physical deprivation in your past that’s been triggered by your current situation. Have you discussed your feelings with your husband? If not, that may be the place to start.
As for the actual financial issues, there are no hard and fast answers. The right answer is whatever works for a particular couple. In many stepfamilies, the more financially stable or better-off partner assists the other in previous debts or obligations.
Because stepfamily finances can be complicated by responsibilities such as child and spousal support, many remarried couples find that “his,” “hers” and “our” accounts help compensate for differences in spending habits and commitments.
Finding a workable solution to your questions may require a realistic assessment of your financial situation and your husband’s, a resolution of your emotional issues, and short-term and long-term plans that you develop together for your financial future.
-Lani Jennings
Dear Dr. Jennings:
My husband pays child support, yet his ex-wife doesn’t give their children spending money. When they visit here, they ask for money. Do we have any say in how child support is used?
-SS
Dear SS:
Parents who receive child support don’t have to account for how the money is spent. Children do need spending money, though, and this can be a tough issue in blended families.
If your husband’s ex opposes paying the children an allowance, and he can’t negotiate some solution with her, your household may have to regularly provide some extra money to each child.
-Lani Jennings
Dear Dr. Jennings:
My mother abandoned my stepdad, me (her child), and my two brothers (their children) when I was 13. I stayed with my stepdad, taking on the responsibility of caring for the home and boys until my present age of 25. My stepdad died a month ago, without a will. My brother, age 19, got a lawyer to name him as executor of the estate. I've been told by his lawyer that I am not a legal heir and therefore get nothing. Is this correct?
-Hurting
Dear Hurting:
Unfortunately, his lawyer may be correct. I am not an attorney, and I would encourage you to seek your own counsel for this difficult situation. There may be some free or low-cost legal advisory assistance in your area. In most states, stepchildren have no automatic right to inheritance. Your situation represents one of the most difficult consequences of that state of affairs. There are some exceptions, however. That is why it is important for you to get your own legal advice from a competent source. Good luck.
-Lani Jennings
Dating People with Children
Dear Dr. Jennings:Help! I recently backed out of an engagement and am sticking to just dating my former fiance because I am so frustrated with her 9-year-old daughter. Neither my fiance nor her “ex” seem to spend much time explaining common courtesy to their daughter. This little girl talks to most people as if they are stupid and corrects my girlfriend and other adults. She also treats my 12-year-old son this way. I am not taking it personally, but it is destroying our hopes for a future. Almost every time I spend any concentrated time with this little girl, I get cold feet. I’ve asked my fiance to try to strategize with me on some of these things so that I don't have to be the evil stepparent. But my fiance said she is not willing to discuss any potential situations and will deal with things as they happen however she sees fit. I lost my wife to cancer, and have found someone I really love, but I cannot tolerate the daughter. Any suggestions?
-A Torn Single Dad
Dear Dad:
First, I want to recognize your integrity for taking the difficult step of reevaluating a relationship that apparently was headed for a life commitment in marriage. It is always difficult to stop something already in motion.
Next I want to offer an observation about your fiance and her daughter. It appears from your letter that your fiance also is disrespectful of you. When a person has a serious issue that is ignored by another person with whom they have a committed relationship, we have a "red flag." Your statement that your fiance is unwilling to discuss this issue to seek resolution prior to your marriage represents a basic dismissal of your concern.
I suspect that your fiance's daughter might have learned her disrespect of others from her mother. Although your fiance does not disrespect you and others in the same way as her daughter, upon closer reflection you might discover that she also is discourteous.
A word of caution then is warranted. If you have a difficult time imagining being with this child in the same home now, it is most likely not going to improve with marriage. Most often, marriage exacerbates issues in stepfamilies rather than resolving them.
Beginning to see people we love as who they really are rather than who we want them to be is often a painful process. Better now than after the wedding. Good luck.
-Lani Jennings